Timeline: 1500-1401 BCE


1495 BCE

  • Egyptian prince Moses (30) kills a cruel slavemaster, and is forced to flee Egypt. He travels to Midian.1

1482 BCE

  • January. The King of Argos, Acrisius, visits the Oracle at Delphi, and receives a prophecy that his daughter Danae's son will eventually kill him. Danae is as yet childless, and so Acrisius keeps her confined to an open-air prison. While there, the rapist Olympian Zeus (1035) manifests to her as a shower of gold, impregnating her.
  • October 30. Danae gives birth to a boy she names Perseus Eurymedon. Acrisius has Danae and Perseus placed in a chest and tossed into the sea. Poseidon, at the behest of Zeus, calms the waters enough to get Danae and her son to the island of Serifos, where they are taken in by a fisherman.

1465 BCE

April 8. Hoshea is born in Egypt. He is the son of Nun.

1461 BCE

  • Young Perseus (20) sets out on a quest to retrieve the head of the Gorgon Medusa (whose gaze turns people to stone) after agreeing to a blind request. Reaching the Gorgons' home, he manages to sever Medusa's head with his sword. Medusa's headless body spontaneously gives birth to a winged horse and a human child, who are shortly claimed by Poseidon and named Pegasus and Chrysaor. Perseus departs with Medusa's head in a special sack. Medusa's body begins regenerating a head.

1445 BCE

  • February. The Canaanite god Yahweh calls upon the exiled Hebrew Moses (79) to rescue Hebrew slaves from Egypt. Yahweh appears before Moses in the form of a burning bush. Moses takes his wife and son and begins traveling to Egypt.

En route, Yahweh attacks Moses, but his wife Zipporah circumcises Moses's son, thus appeasing Yahweh's bloodlust.
March-April. Moses joins with the Hebrews in Egypt, reuniting with his brother Aaron (98) and sister Miriam (93). He then threatens the Egyptian Pharaoh with various plagues, and Yahweh manipulates Pharaoh into not freeing the slaves. After nine plagues, Yahweh sends a murderous angel to slaughter the firstborn of Egypt, causing the first Passover feast. The Pharaoh frees the Hebrews, finally overcoming Yahweh's mental manipulation.
Moses begins the Exodus and the journey back to Canaan. He brings the Stone of Destiny with him, along with the remains of the ancient Hebrew Joseph.
Yahweh, further bloodthirsty, forces Pharaoh to attack the Hebrews. Yahweh gives Moses the power to part the Red Sea, and he does so. The Egyptians pursuing are drowned by the waters returning to their previous position.
May. Coming upon Mt. Sinai, the Hebrews wait while Moses travels to the summit to receive Yahweh's law. They get Aaron to build them a golden calf in worship, mistaking Yahweh for Baal Hadad. After giving Moses stone tablets with several commandments, Moses returns from the mountain and sees the people worshipping the idol, and has many of them slaughtered. After, he receives another set of stone tablets with Commandments, and Yahweh has them placed in an ark (the Ark of the Covenant). Yahweh forces the Hebrews to begin wandering in the deserts of Palestine and the Sinai peninsula for forty years.

1444 BCE

  • January. Yahweh instructs Moses's brother Aaron (98) to become a priest, and have his sons become priests.

January 24. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu use the wrong incense in a ceremony, and Yahweh murders them.
Aaron and Miriam (94) complain about Moses marrying another woman. Yahweh decides to punish Miriam (but not Aaron) by giving her leprosy. When Moses asks him for mercy, Yahweh takes the illness away after a week of exile.
February 28. Moses (80) sends a group of spies out for reconnaissance of the area of Canaan the Hebrews entered. He sends twelve men, led by Hoshea (20), who Moses renames Joshua.
April 9. Moses's twelve spies return. All but two of them (Joshua [21] and Caleb) report lies about Nephilim.

1435 BCE

  • January 20. Rahab is born in Jericho in Canaan.

1426 BCE

  • The Reach, an interstellar empire, sends one of its Scarab Emissaries to Earth. It is discovered by an Egyptian, who uses its powers as a hero. Due to an internal defect, the Scarab's mind-control function is not enabled.

1425 BCE

  • October 11. The Hebrew Korah attempts a rebellion against Moses (100) and Aaron (118). Yahweh opens a chasm beneath the mutineers and their families, and closes it over them, crushing them all, and Yahweh vaporizes 250 people wielding incense.

October 12. The day after Korah's and the others' deaths, the people complain about the slaughter, and so Yahweh infects the Hebrews with a plague. Thousands die until Aaron is able to stop the madness by burning incense.

1424 BCE

  • November 10. The Hebrews arrive at Zin. Miriam (115) dies.
  • The Hebrews get unruly, demanding water. Yahweh informs Moses (101) and Aaron (119) to get water from a stone by talking to it. When Moses instead hits the stone (which does indeed release water), Yahweh tells Moses and Aaron that they will not make it to the promised land.

1420 BCE

  • December 6. Aaron (123) dies.

1419 BCE

1410 BCE

  • In Greece, Laius, a young tutor, rapes his student Chrysippus, who kills himself, and Laius receives a curse.

1407 BCE

  • When the Hebrews complain again, Yahweh sends snakes to bite and kill the people. Moses (117) entreats Yahweh, who tells him to build a bronze snake, so that whoever looks at it survives. He does, and they do.
  • The King of the Amorites enlists the aid of the diviner Balaam, who refuses to help curse the Hebrews. For some reason Yahweh tells Balaam to have meetings with the King anyway. En route to the next meeting, Yahweh's agent Lucifer visits Balaam, showing himself only to Balaam's favorite ass. The ass keeps avoiding Lucifer, and so Balaam keeps beating it. Lucifer gives the ass the ability to think and speak, and the ass explains. Lucifer then appears and chastises Balaam for not doing exactly what an ass would have him do. Under threat of death, Lucifer commands Balaam to continue doing what he was already going to do.
  • Yahweh orders the Hebrews slaughter the Midianites, but to keep underage girls as sex slaves. They do.

1405 BCE

  • October 19. Moses (120) dies.
  • The Israelites under Joshua (60) begin their genocidal campaign against their fellow Canaanites. They first target the city of Jericho.
  • October 21-22. Joshua sends two spies to Jericho, and they immediately visit a brothel. Acting obviously suspicious, they are suspected of being spies. The prostitute madam Rahab (30) hides them from the Jericho police with the promise that upon the destruction of Jericho, she and her family will be spared. The spies reluctantly agree. The spies return to the Hebrew camp the next day.
  • October 29. The Hebrews, empowered by Yahweh, unleash a sonic blast upon Jericho, causing its walled defenses to collapse. The Hebrews then murder every survivor they can find save for Rahab and her family. Rahab herself is rendered immortal by Yahweh as a reward for her participation in the slaughter.
  • After a failed invasion of the city of Ai, the Hebrews stone a man who took some pillage from Jericho, pleasing Yahweh. The god subsequently allows the Hebrews to slaughter the people of Ai and burn it to the ground.
  • The people of Gibeon, in order to avoid their genocide, trick the Israelites into forging an alliance. When they discover they are tricked, the Hebrews reluctantly refrain from slaughter.
  • An unprecedented alliance of five cities gathers to defend themselves against the wrath of the murderous Israelites. Yahweh somehow manages to warp time to allow the Israelites to slaughter the armies. In the aftermath, somehow the five kings of the cities get caught in a cave, and they are executed.


Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License